My Welcome Back For Myself... I Guess?

   I have officially regained my interest in blogging. I forgot how much fun it could be to just write about my thoughts about life and what I'm thinking. Maybe it's the Honors College getting at me here, but I have found a love for writing down my thoughts.
   My last blog post (save for yesterday,) was in 2011. It's crazy to think about how much time has passed since then and how much I've changed. I kind of wish I would've stuck with blogging these past few years, but I didn't, and now I feel like I've lost something, a part of me, that I probably could have saved. This is okay though; I won't go cry about it haha! But a part of me would've loved to go back and read my posts and just see how much I've grown and changed in life.
   Anyways, that's my deep thought for the moment as I sit here in the Student Center with nothing to do. Haha!

From the Privileged

   Hi. My name is Sarah Hocott, and I am a privileged student attending college. I have been a privileged person my whole life too. But I've always been that "privileged" person that didn't really have to worry about money. I usually got what I asked for from Santa, and I have never gone hungry. I got my very first job the summer after my first year of college because I wanted to. I didn't actually need it. I was living just fine off of my excess aid, and my parents also took (and still take) amazing care of me and my needs.

   I was given my first car, a 2007 Pontiac G6, at the age of 16, and when I graduated high school in May of 2013, I was given a brand new 2013 Honda Civic. I was a competitive cheerleader for 13 years and traveled all around the south staying at nice hotels. I've been to Disney World more than a few times; I've been to Hawaii and Australia; I've traveled to Costa Rica, and I'm going to Italy this coming summer (but I will get to that).

   But what am I getting at here? Why does it feel like I'm fixing to rant about something? What have I noticed about being a privileged child throughout my life? The privileged people are always judged... negatively.

   My first encounter with this negative attitude came in the summer of 2012. I went on a trip with the high school Beta Club to the national Beta Club convention in North Carolina. However, after the trip we were going to travel to Washington D.C. and do all sorts of tourist activities. Unfortunately, we never got there. There happened to be a huge storm that knocked out all of the power along the east coast for days, so instead of going to D.C., we ended up just going back home. 

   Why does this matter? Well, all of us had paid money to travel to D.C., but now that we weren't, we had to make a decision as to what we wanted to do with our money. Of course, I was disappointed because I just wanted to go to D.C. I didn't understand why a lot of the other students were so upset. 

   We were given the ultimatum to travel back home but stop in Gatlinburg and use our money there instead. Being me, I just wanted to do something and not go home, so I voted for that; however, many of the students voted to go home. When I asked why they would want to do that, one girl piped up and said, "Some of us actually worked for our own money to pay for this trip, and if we aren't getting what we paid for, I want it back so I can use it to live off of. You wouldn't understand that though."

   For some reason, I was really hurt by this statement. For some reason, I felt as if I needed to apologize for being... privileged. But at the same time, I was conflicted because why should I have to apologize for the situation I was born into. It's not like I chose to be born to a family that had a sufficient amount of money. So... I'm sorry? But I'm not sorry?

   So that was the first encounter where I actually felt bad for having money.

   Then senior year comes along and I succeeded enough to where I had enough scholarships to pay for my college tuition plus some to live off of. Truth be told, I was just excited that I didn't have to deal with having to owe money and dealing with student loans or anything. Dealing with anything official like that terrified me to no end at that moment in time. I couldn't even call to order my own pizza without getting a little nervous. I just have never had to do anything myself, so this was definitely a blessing

   I would never really talk about my situation with anyone besides my parents and grandparents because I was aware that people, even people in my family, would seem to get annoyed at the fact that I, once again, was thrown into another privileged chapter of life. It was really tough talking to people about it that applied with me that didn't get accepted when I did. That was the worst because when people fail together, they rant together. When people succeed together, they make plans to stay together. But when one fails and the other succeeds, there becomes an awkward partition that is placed between the two people. That's what happened with me and a lot of my friends. A lot of people in my high school didn't make the cut and became very "sarcastic" (I'm adding twice the emphasis on the word "sarcastic on purpose) about them not making the cut and me making it. 

   I was embarrassed of being well off. I thought the American Dream was to be well off and be happy and not have to worry about those things? Have people forgotten that?

   But now that I'm in college, it has become more prominent. Being in Honors includes a full paid scholarship with the best living arrangements for an undergrad on campus. I was so excited to be accepted into the college, but I soon realized, it definitely shouldn't be the first thing I mention when talking about myself even after coming to college. 

   When I introduce myself to someone, and when the need arises for me to tell them that I am apart of the Honors society, I feel as if I am immediately judged. Usually, the response is, "Oh, so you're one of those people aren't you? Like, you don't have to worry about paying for college and get your own room right?" Why yes, yes I do. I am that college student. I do have my own room (that I share a bathroom and living room and kitchen with three other amazing women as well). I don't have to worry about paying for college either. That's just kind of how my life is these days. I'm definitely living the good life, riding along on that full ride and not having a care in the world.

   Since this is an informal blog, I'm going to say here, "L.O.FREAKING L. AT THAT!" That statement is definitely not true in any way. Yeah, not everyone gets the luxury of not having to worry about funding college, but why is it seen as so normal for people to have financial struggles. When people say that, everyone accepts it and doesn't look down on people struggling financially. They don't sit and and think, "So you're one of those people that can't pay for college." 

   I could blame it on jealousy, but I'm not writing to place blame on anyone or anything. I'm writing to state that I work just as hard as someone that has to work and go to school to pay their bills. Look at it this way, some people work to pay for their school. Well, when I (or any other student) receive a scholarship or grant, I make a promise to maintain certain criteria to keep receiving my funds. In essence, going to school IS my job. 

   I here people all of the time that joke about their GPA being 2.1 or 1.8 or something. But these are the same people that judge me for not having to pay for college. Well, I'm here to say that, I'm sorry if I worked my butt off throughout all of grade school to receive my scholarships and my "easy ride" through college (which isn't that easy). I spent countless hours taking Honors, PAP, and AP classes while also keeping a 4.0 GPA because I knew I wanted to get these scholarships to get me through school. I've worked nonstop throughout my life to get to where I am, and I still have to work.

   I'm just saying, if you want to get the scholarships that give you a full ride through college, you have to make the top students in your class, basically a 4.0, an almost perfect score on the ACT or SAT, and have an almost flawless personality for interviews. Just because I have an "easy" life doesn't mean that I haven't worked hard for it, and that goes for every other student I know with scholarships or in Honors.

   But now that I am in college with these scholarships, I have to maintain my GPA, take at least 15 hours every semester, I don't have the option to fail any of my classes, and all the while, I still have to be social, eat, and take care of myself. 

   For us "overachievers" as most people say, school is our job. We may not be taking 15 hours and working a job or have a family, but we have so much riding on our backs too. Most of us had to get these scholarships to even attend college too. Personally I don't know how I would even be getting through college if I didn't get into Honors. 

   Now I feel as if I have said my peace somewhat, but I know people are still going to see me as "just another privileged Honors student." But I challenge you to look at me as not a privileged kid, but as a hardworking college student that earned my way here.

   I don't feel that it's fair that people who succeed are frowned upon and are made to feel bad about their successes. People say that gloating is their biggest pet peeve, but why can't I say that I'm in Honors with a full ride? I worked my buttocks off to be able to say that, so why do I still feel like I can't? Why should any person feel bad for succeeding?

   To put it bluntly, not everyone can get everything. Some will succeed, and some will fall. I know that's a harsh thing to say, but it's the way it is. I hate that it is that way. I hate that not everyone has the privileges that I do, but we just have to accept those differences. I don't want to feel like "just another overachiever." I want people to call me a "hard worker" and someone that deserves to be where I am.

   People only deserve as much as they put forth. 

Forgetting

So recently I've been really busy and have realized that I'm falling behind on things. I mean, I've never been one to attend church regularly, read the Bible every day, pray before every meal and before I go to bed; however, I am one to remember sometimes. Honestly, though, I haven't even been remembering to just remember. Everything has been pushing me away from remembering those things, and instead of pleasing God and His wants, I've been trying to please everyone else and their needs from me. With everything that goes on in life between school, after school activities, keeping up with friends, loving family, and being addicted to facebook, I forget one of the most important things, loving God.
Now, I want to get into the reason why this suddenly hit me today so hard. Ever since I read the book "Left Behind" I've constantly worried about the end of the world. I got so scared reading those books that I literally stopped reading them. I would stay up at night reading over and over Revelations and just break down crying because I'm scared of it. I'm scared that I'll be Left Behind because I'll forget. I'm scared that my friends will be Left Behind. I'm scared my family will be Left Behind. The thing is though, the reason I'm so scared is because I know a lot of my family and friends will be Left Behind.
Then, last year the movie "2012" came out and I literally bawled throughout the whole entire movie. I huddled down in my seat crying. I cried the whole way home. I cried all that night. Sometimes, I still cry. I lay awake at night obsessing that tsunami will come and wash me and my home away and kill me. I'm afraid I'll fall off into the ocean like California did in the movie.
In all truth, I'm terrified of dying. I'm horrified of the unknown. I mean I hope and truly believe and know that I'm going to Heaven and will live forever in peace, but what if I forget to ask for forgiveness from God? Then what? That's what I'm afraid of.
Then, today, I was on facebook, and everyone's statuses were talking about the end of the world, so I looked up and asked my dad, "Why is everyone's statuses about the end of the world?". He said, "Because some guy predicted it to be tomorrow." TOMORROW! I'm sitting here at 11: 30 and the end of the world is supposed to be tomorrow. Right then I realized I had forgotten. I had forgotten to ask for forgiveness recently. I'd forgotten to talk to God. I'd forgotten to do all those things to keep up with myself and to reassure myself that I'm forgiven. (What's funny is that at the same time my dad's telling me this, he's watching 2012 which freaks me out even more since I hate that movie.)
So, I run to my room and grabbed my Bible. I immediately turn to the index because that's the only way I can honestly maneuver in my Bible. I haven't gone to church my whole life, so I don't know it by heart (which I want to some day.) Anyways, I'm looking through the back looking where to go to read about forgiveness. That's when I come across Psalms.
I turn to Psalms and start reading.
Whenever I've ever read the Bible, it's always been a story. A long story that confuses me even though I have a Bible that should be easy to read. Yeah, maybe if I dwelled on it longer I'd get it, but I just have thought to read from beginning to end and I'd get it at some point. No. Psalms wasn't like this. It's not a story to me. It's like I could read it and instantly be talking to God and instantly be talking about myself. It's like the Bible has put my being in that whole part. It amazed me.
I know I'm always going to worry about the end of the world and dying, but reading Psalms for myself was like discovering the cell phone. It's addicting to me now. After I write this, I'm going to get ready for bed and read all of Psalms. Just the fact that the Bible describes me connected me to it. I've honestly never felt a connection to the Bible, but now I do. Now I feel that amazing feeling everyone else seems to get from it, and I'm glad I finally did find it, because whenever I start thinking about dying, the end of the world, the Rapture, and the unknown, I can just pop open my Bible and instantly know what'll comfort me.
I feel relieved, but I still can't figure out how to not be forgetful. I don't want an awakening like hearing about someone predicting the end to be the next day. I just want to be able to wake up every day and remember instantly. I still have to work on it, but now I at least know where I can go when I get scared, so that'll help me remember more often.
Overall, I just think I worry too much, and as I typed those last words, I laughed to myself because I do.

Destiny

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11


This quote is my most beloved quote form the Bible. It really makes me think about my life. Every bad thing that has happened. Every good thing that's stepped into my life. Every tear that I've cried. Every laugh that I've laughed. All of it is leading up to something great for me. Sometimes I feel lost and confused. I wonder "Why am I here? What does God want from me?" Every time I think that, this verse pops into my head. It makes me feel wanted, needed, loved, cared for, etc. I know I get all of those things from friends and family, but sometimes the only love that seems to count to me is God's love and knowing that he's out there planning something huge for every one of us. Something that will make the world better. Maybe he's got one of us curing cancer in the future. Not in the "I Am Legend" sort of way, but an actual cure! Maybe one of us out there is going to make the flying car. Maybe one of us is going to find the planet with the Avatars on it (preferably while I'm still alive so I can be one). No matter what it is we are going to do as an individual, God has it all planned out for us.


Have you ever wondered about the whole Science vs. Religion stuff? How scientists say the world was made my the Big Bang and Christians say that it was made by God? Well, maybe scientists are right. Maybe there was a Big Bang. Maybe it was dust particles and rock and whatever that came together and exploded or something like that. But get this, who made those particles? Who started it all? Who made the elements come together? They didn't have to. Could this not be God's plan? Every single thing that happens in this universe has a reason. Everything has a purpose. Everyone is meant to do something. Every single soul on this Earth has a reason to live. God knew before we were even concieved what his plans were for me, you, and everyone else. Because is It. The Man. The capitalized "He" everywhere you go. His name is on our coins, in our pledge, even in our schools (even though he's not supposed to be :)), and just everywhere.

Now I'm not trying to convince you, I'm just saying from my side of the line, this is what I see. This is what I believe. This is what I know. It was my revelation a long time ago, and it was just the beginning of the rest of them.

The Revelation

This blog isn't for anyone special. I don't intend for anyone to read it. This blog is about my everyday revelations. I've noticed lately that being in high school has changed me, and definitely in a positive way. I'm always learning how to be a better person from watching many of the Seniors that I've befriended, my teachers, my teammates at cheer, and people that I don't even know. They've all taught me a valuable lesson and I want this blog to show what I've learned. I may not use proper grammar, correct spelling, or the right wording, but this is my diary. I want it to show who I am, so later in the future, if I ever need guidance, I can refer to these blogs along with my Bible.
This blog isn't just for you as a reader. It's also for me. To help me later throughout life. To hold my memories. To hold guidance so that I can advise myself later in life.